Reid Hultman
Five Words blogger photo for Reid Hultman

Once called "one of the greatest writers of this generation" by one of the most sarcastic people of any generation, Reid Hultman has been writing all his life.

"I enjoy writing," says Reid. "When I write I feel I'm one with the universe."  

Drunk with self-induced power, Reid doesn't listen to critics.  

"Sure, the critics may be right, like, I don't know, 98% of the time. But that doesn't stop me.  The satisfaction of having someone read what I've written and cry out 'what the hell does this mean?' is all I need to keep going."

And so, Reid continues going - proper spelling and grammar be damned.

Recent Post

Here’s the situation. You and a friend with an iPhone are discussing a very interesting topic.

“All I’m saying is, if Thatcher and Reagan, two conservative leaders, didn’t come together at that exact point in history, things today would be much, much… oops, hold on, my iPhone’s ringing.”

People with iPhones don’t say their cellphone is ringing. No, no – it’s their iPhone that is ringing.

“Uh oh! My crazy friend tagged me in a photo on Facebook. I’ve got see what he posted. Man the 3G is slow in here.”

To be an iPhone user, you are required to comment on the status of the 3G network at every location you visit.

“HA HA HA!! Look at that crazy guy!  He’s making copies of his butt!”

And now for the ceremonial holding-up-of-the-iPhone-screen-to-the-friend-without-an-iPhone. 

“Quick, what’s a funny comment I can post about it? No wait. I’ve got it!”

For the next five minutes, as your friend struggles with the iPhone’s QWERTY keypad, you could try to remember what the discussion was you were having before. But the efforts will be futile. All you’ll be able to think about is that guy’s butt.

“Ha, ha. I wrote, ‘That’s butt-tastic!’”

Here’s my solution to this type of situation. A simple iPhone App will automatically detect when an interesting, thought-provoking discussion is taking place. When the iPhone user grabs their iPhone during the discussion, the app will send a direct shock to the iPhone user’s brain, jarring their attention back to the face-to-face conversation they are having.

I’m thinking of calling the app “The Conversation Saver.” Or maybe something cute like, “Ring-a-ling-a-ling! Quit playing with your iPhone when you are talking to people.”

I can see it now in my news feed.

“Reid’s mom just blew a kiss at Reid using Super Poke.” 

I imagine my witty sarcastic status updates sprinkled with comments.

“Don’t get down, Reid.  You are very special.”

Thanks mom. My boss will enjoy that one.

There will be comments on photos my friends post, such as those from the work holiday party.

“Reid! Wow! You’re dancing!  You should ask that cute girl that’s next to you out on a date!  Remember, you are very special!” 

Mom, she’s married. 

I’ll be tagged in old family photos I’ve tried to forget.  Like the classic from third grade of me meeting a guy dressed up as Alf.

“Reid was so shy! He wasn’t a real alien, honey!”

I know that, mom. What was real, however, was the smell of vodka permeating from Alf’s eye holes.

Oh, and I’m sure there’ll be the awkward explanation of how wall posts can be seen by everyone.

“Well, your uncle is in jail again. If he calls asking for money, don’t give it to him!”

But even with all that, I’ll be-friend her.  Not because she’s my mom.  No, because I need more Facebook friends.  I just gotta make it to 300 friends!  Just gotta!

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